In the summer of this year, BowLingual will be released for the iPhone. The who what where now? It’s an app that translates your dog’s “speech” into human. Of course. I know this is a real thing because it has a Wikipedia page, which means it will be the subject of many a grade-schooler’s essay.
This is proof positive that there aren’t any vegan venture capitalists out there. If there were, here’s the soundbite that would have come out of the pitch meeting: “can this technology work with other animals?”
Of course, CowLingual, CluckLingual, and PigLingual wouldn’t do the average consumer any good, since there’s no way any modern farmer would let you near an actual representative member of the Food Animal subset, but I can take this further, because I have been drinking. Coffee. Mostly.
Here’s the spoiler of the century: you know the show Lost, which is in its final season? The Big Reveal at the end is going to be that the story is real. And that means that Miles is a real person who can talk with the dead.
"So, why vegan?" "The dead talk to me." "Yep, that's understandable then."
Let’s play vegan VC now and combine the imaginary CowLingual technology with a digital Miles (who, you will remember is a real person, which means we can scan him or something, don’t pester me with details of a product that won’t launch for months from now after we’ve pumped the stock, dammit!)
Have you ever gone to the supermarket and wanted to talk to the spirit associated with the steak you’re thinking of buying?
There’s an app for that.
