There are things in this world that just happen to be vegan-friendly that fit into the “wow, I’m happy about that” category, and then there are things that I’ve never really thought about before but then discover in pursuit of my pornographic duties. This would be a strong Number Two:
A 62 year old Hong Kong man was admitted to hospital recently after he jammed a cucumber up his butt in what he claimed was a variant of Japanese hari-kari suicide. The traditional, non-plant-based way would have involved a sword into the belly, but as it turns out, ramming a cucumber into one’s anus can produce a surprising amount of blood that I’m sure scared the bejeezus out of his daughter when she discovered him. Well, that and the cucumber sticking out of his ass, of course. That would certainly add to the effect. Are you visualizing this yet? What song do you think was playing in the background when this all happened?
The man, whose name is Chin Wei, incidentally (and I hope he’s not one to Google-search his own name from now on,) is going to be fine. The bleeding was from a “severe tear” and isn’t considered to be life-threatening.
Then again, maybe the chosen method was one based on vegan precaution: it’s hard enough to find a vegan meal in some parts of the North American highway system, so one can only guess what the dining options are in the afterlife (we’ve been really lax in that part of activism, I’ve got to say.) It may just be that Chin Wei wanted to make sure he had a salad with him in the great beyond.
Don’t think of this link to a toy cucumber six pack
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This actually happened before, albeit in fiction:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Silent_Cry
a strange but, IMO, excellent novel by Kenzaburo Oe.
In addition to the cucumber, the character also paints his head red and hangs himself, and this turns out to be more effective.
See kids? You read Japanese literature, wonder to yourself when you’re ever going to use that stuff, and then here we are.
You’re welcome.