I think we’re getting to the point where we need a category for “non-vegan anal insertions.” It’s not the milestone that I’d hoped and dreamed of reaching when I was a young boy, but we’ve all got to take what victories we can from life. This is one of them, and it’s mine.
The category milestone, that is. The anal insertion was someone else’s, and it involved a live eel. A 59 year old man was admitted to hospital with complaints of the type one would expect from an anal eel insertion, but apparently nobody ever expects an anal eel insertion, so there’s a pesky troubleshooting phase, followed by speculation on just how the eel got there (“I must have eaten it” never gets old,) and unfortunately in this case, the man died.
And it was a murder.
It turns out he passed out drunk at a bar and his so-called buddies thought an anal eel insertion would be just the thing to liven up the evening. Police are getting involved, but I don’t know if animal cruelty is on the list of things to push for. This is one of those cases where animal rights people can look like douches by going on about animal cruelty when someone’s been anally raped and killed, but it’s kind of the job, and frankly, it’s an important one: if this kind of thing could be recognized as an act of cruelty and if such acts of cruelty could be made into a social taboo instead of “great fun at parties,” then nobody would have had to die from anal eel insertion.
Anyway, since there seems to be a lot of confusion in the medical community, I want it put in my will that if my death involved abdominal pain, dehydration, and severe anal bleeding, could someone please look into that eel thing and avenge both me and the eel?
(Via Warren Ellis, where the comments pointed me to this gem 
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow. Anal Eel Insertion – like you, I’m a bit caught off guard, but feel the need to comment on this anyway. I get your point about other people thinking animal advocates miss the point by pushing for animal-related charges on top of human rape & murder. Here’s the thing, though – at present, animals are basically property under the law. If that’s ever to change, we NEED to consider them as persons in all situations, including those involving somebody else’s ass. Also – the only truly innocent person in this situation is the eel, yknow?
Ahh the Mighty Boosh! My favourite show on television. It’s too bad it’s not on regularly in Canada I had to buy the DVDs to watch it.
Anal Eel Insertion- is this a common practice amoung f**ked up people? I think there is a need to charge them with animal cruelty along with murder and rape to set a precident in our courts and prove that animal cruelty is on par with murder.
With such an immense love for The Mighty Boosh, I can’t believe dag didn’t send this to you….
pew
@Alilison: The eel and the human victim are both innocent. I don’t think the guy who died “had it coming” for being drunk in a bar, y’know? Nobody deserves that sort of death just for having one too many.