Angela sent me this:
He's more machine than turtle now...
Veterinarians also built a fibreglass beak for a goose. In both cases, the animals would have been killed otherwise, since they really couldn’t survive with their injuries. And yes, part of me is all happy and glad and oooh, isn’t that cool, but the other part of me, the part that says hey, Jason, you don’t eat animals, I get it, it’s cool, but don’t think that means they’re not all out to get you, that part of me is saying,
Science, what are you thinking?
Bionic animals start out as a nifty idea for licensing a cartoon or something, but there’s going to come a time where we inadvertently invent opposable thumbs for species who previously didn’t have them. Yay, thumbs for everyone, but wait, did I say thumbs because I meant NUCLEAR BOMBS because that’s what species with opposable thumbs build. I have proof. The proof is us.
Oh, and that turtle? Run over by a lawnmover. No, not since the picture was taken – that was the source of the injury that brought about the turtle wagon. No, not that turtle wagon. Anyway, what’s to stop some vet with a sense of irony from attaching rotating blades to the turtle’s undercarriage? You know what? From that picture, we can’t even tell if that’s already happened.
Obviously, I love animals. I also love my child, but I’m not giving him a rifle. Oh, he’d be fine – he’s not long enough to reach the trigger and the barrel. Mom and dad would learn a lesson pretty quick though. It’s exactly the same with animal prosthetics. Look, I know how it works on a slow news day – CNN is going to pick this story up, because they love porn as much as anyone, and it’s going to dominate the news cycle: are bionic animals taking over America? Well, yes.
I therefore call upon some lawmaking person to introduce a bill requiring strict limiting and monitoring of the cyborg animal community. We can’t stop it, but we can, maybe, control it. And just to be safe, let’s not make the animals any madder than they already are – the bill’s going to need a veganism clause in there.
And there you go. I’m the only one in the animal activism community who’s able to make a turtle with wheels the solution to mass vegan adoption. YOU’RE WELCOME.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Ok, you go from opposable thumbs to nuclear bombs I just have to say what? Also did you ride a bike without a helmet as a kid, without shin guards, knee pads, I did, my parents did, we didn’t die, we may have suffered injury, but never died. Why is it then that you feel the need to protect your children or yourself so much, make schools bend over backward to protect your kid, can’t have drinking fountains because the over flow little kids make might cause some one to trip and fall and break there leg, true story happened to my brother my parents didn’t sue the school but the school did put rubber mats with holes in it to provide extra traction and solving the problem. If they don’t have enough problems, you now think that humans are not the only ones to make and destroy that now because we help animals we now are going to “brain wash them” “put them into slave labor” I hope to got this was all a joke. Your the kind of guy who’s making skate parks have police officers to only allow kids in with proper protection. ( don’t get me wrong I am a fan of helmets when I long-board I always ware one its saved my life before when you hit the pavement @ 45mph your face is worth it) So why is it that helping a dieing animal is a crime, and by helping that animal is going to cause a “Nuclear Holocaust” we all didn’t invent nuclear bombs with our thumbs, you can’t your to busy using them to hit you god damn space bar, I just have to say I stopped being vegan because people like you. Your the one who gives the vegan stereotype validity, good day sir I hope you die alone with your legs chopped of and not a prosthetic limb in sight so that you also cannot make nuclear bombs.
YES! Finally, I’m the guy that gives the vegan stereotype validity! I’m in charge now, and I’ve got my foot on the gas, mister!
That was awesome.
Wow He stopped being vegan because of you! He also hopes you die! I hope he doesn’t want you to die because you forced him to stop being vegan? Maybe we shouldn’t tell him that his non vegan lifestyle could make him sick or dead.
When I update my press kit, “I hope you die alone with your legs chopped of and not a prosthetic limb in sight so that you also cannot make nuclear bombs” is definitely going to feature highly in the testimonials.
Sweet re: Press Kit Testimonials. But be sure to put a [sic] after each spelling and grammar disaster so people know you’re not the illiterate one.
What’s the proper formatting for a global [sic] at the end of a piece that applies to every word, sentence fragment, and paragraph and thus absolves me of any responsibility to review anything I type?
It’s probably at the end of every Dan Brown book (oh, snap!) so go check your collection (double snap!) and see what ends up in your head all day (triple snap Gaga revenge!)
That’s a good question. I think a [sic] after every error will look more impressive than a global one, especially in the cases of things which are doubly wrong ,which might look like this: “I dun [sic] [sic] hate yer [sic] [sic] stoopit [sic] vegan peoples [sic].”
PAH-PAH-PAH POKERFACE, PAH-PAH POKERFACE!! Don’t make me break out the disco stick in this Gaga war, Jason.
Yeah, but I don’t want to be bothered with actually knowing what mistakes I’ve made, I mean what mistakes other people who I’m quoting have made. You English people need to talk to the law people and get one of those disclaimers that show up at the end of the emails like “by reading this comment you agree you owe me $20.” But, you know, for typos.
Also, if you put [sic] after every word it’s an open statement that you can’t read my, can’t read my, no you can’t read my awesome note. Nobody wants that.
Wow, I didn’t understand hald of that guy’s rambling, but it appears he assumes everything you say is all about seriousness….when he can just look at the name of your website and tell that is not the case. Crap, some people can’t take a joke. Oh and I have had to put people back together who had their legs and other limbs chopped off (not for fun, it’s part of my job)… it’s not pretty.. I don’t reccomend anyone having that happen to them, no sir.
Oh balls, well I could have put a [sic] next to my own spelling error. Oh well, life is full of such things.
Amanda, thanks for the work that you do, but this raises a very important question: did any of the de-limbed that you helped later go on to make nuclear bombs? I need to know if this is a thing that just happens, or if our rambling man is concerned about just me.
If it’s just me, and if it so pleases the internet, I could send out photos of myself to various hospitals with a caption of “do not reattach this man” or something. You know, anything to reassure the concerns of a stark raving fan.
[sic]
Well, since the folks I help are dead, they’d have to be changed into cyborg zombies. I don’t think we have to worry about them making any nuclear weapons anytime soon, as my zombie-making skills are sophomoric at best.
By the way Jason, I hope you keep your arms and legs for a good long time. Otherwise, I would resort to calling you “Stumpy”.