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S4

S4: Jennifer Garner and sweet dolphin love

by Jason on February 20, 2010

Whoa, I almost missed S4 (Species Sex Studies Saturday) again! I honestly forget what day it is sometimes, because when you’re a full time vegan pornographer, you get to study how animals do it every day. Anyway, S4 is our semi-recurring feature where we investigate the sex lives of animals, on the theory that if people knew more about how different creatures get it on, they’d be less likely to categorize them as food.

At least, that’s what it says on my research grant. Mostly it’s just an excuse to indulge our inner 8 year olds.

Anyway, dolphins are praised as being highly intelligent, but it’s dangerous to anthropomorphize any non-human, so let me just say this: at least one dolphin has a thing for Jennifer Garner:

Most societies don’t consume dolphin meat, but sadly, as the oceans get emptier and emptier of what some consider food, fishing techniques will likely resort to bigger and bigger nets such as the purse seine, drift, and gill nets that pick up anything and everything in their path, including dolphins. We live in a world where industry has come up with “dolphin safe” labels for canned fish so consumers can know that no dolphins were killed to supply them with, well, dead fish, and somehow this makes it through the conscious consumer’s filters as an ethical thing.

At the rate things are going, in the future there will only be dolphins in tanks, which means only dolphins in tanks will be able to spray manifestations of their love across Jennifer Garner’s feet, and this is the basis for Reason to Go Vegan #812: in the ideal world we strive for, Jennifer Garner foot worship is the reasons oceans exist. If you can’t figure out what that means, don’t worry, there are at least 811 other reasons to go vegan, and that’s just from upcoming S4 posts. We haven’t even begun to track things like animal poop habits.

(via Ecorazzi, via Angela. That’s right, not every post is about creme eggs!)

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S4: Flashy tits, stronger sperm

by Jason on February 6, 2010

The force is strong in this one. Photo by Gidzy

OMGWFTBBQLOL, I forgot to do an episode of S4 last week.  How can you have a feature called Species Sex Study Saturday that misses Saturdays?  Historians will ponder that one for a good long while.  Anyway, this is the day that we talk about animals doing it, or aspects thereof, because sometimes you just can’t make the right food choices without knowing if what’s on your plate has been denied carnal pleasures so that you might dine.

This week’s episode comes from Dagda, and the title alone makes it worthy: Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm.*  This is from the National Geographic people, and if you had the same stack of back issues in your grade six classroom as I did, you know they can appreciate tits.

Of course, these tits are the bird tits, as in the things with wings.  There is a link, it has been established, between the colour of a male tit’s breast plumage and the strength of his sperm, effectively advertising his virility in a way that absolutely does not translate to the human world, and I’ll thank you to stop looking at the size of my feet.

However, the article couldn’t resist making at least one link between birds and humans that’s VP-worthy: “free radicals are thought to be a major cause of infertility in people.”  I don’t know how you can see a free radical, so I’m not sure where the parallel lies to support the statement’s existence in the article, but I do know that a plant-based diet is rich in antioxidants, which s like kryptonite to free radicals, so I strongly suspect that the National Geographic writer is a wannabe vegan pornographer, at heart.

* It’s worth noting that the page title can’t bear to sustain the joke and mentions birds, but this is balanced out by the URL, which just contains the words “great,” “tits,” “color,” and “sperm,” which sums up many a word association exercise.

(Photo by Gidzy)

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