One of the things you don’t like to see shortly after having a new baby is a bunch of police cars and police tape in your neighbourhood, especially when you find out it’s because there are some “suspicious packages” lying around and the bomb squad is on the way. But that’s what happened last week in these here parts, and I was a little pissed, but at least it turned out to be empty boxes.
You know what would have made me more than a little pissed? If all that drama was due to a 5 gallon vat of mayonnaise, because that’s what went down in a Florida neighbourhood this week. A couple complained about burning eyes and having trouble breathing following a home inspection, which led to suspicions about a barrel in the basement. Which led to the HAZMAT team arriving, roads closing, homes evacuating, dogs and cats living together…
…and so on, right up until they found out that the barrel contained the aforementioned 5 gallon vat of mayonnaise.
I’m sure there’s a “how do you tell the difference between mayonnaise and a meth lab” joke in there somewhere, but I still have baby-induced fuzzy head. What I do know is that if you ask 100 people what mayonnaise is made of, about 95 or so won’t be able to answer (it’s egg and oil, basically.) Mind you, I can’t tell you what’s in Vegenaise either, but I don’t have to worry about stray vats being left for HAZMAT teams because the only place that stuff goes is in my belly, preferably in the form of chick pea salad sammiches.
Remember the whole fiasco with Emes Kosher Gel and the not-so-vegetarian vegetarian marshmallows? It’s no longer a niche issue within a niche, with CNBC picking up the story. In days of yore I’d link to the preview video, but I’m hankering to try out that fancy dancy embedding that the interwebbers seem to love, so check it out after the jump. The full segment is supposed to air May 2 at 10PM and 1AM ET. [click to continue…]
Wanna know the biggest lie uttered in the past 50 years? No, it’s not “democratically elected” or “we can still be friends,” but “non-dairy.” How many people have been burned by this one? Well, thanks to Kirk’s latest submission, you might be ready for another round in the fire: Jamba Juice’s “non-dairy” smoothie additive contains… wait for it… dairy. Surprise! This isn’t just some confusion over some semi-obscure chemical like sodium caseinate either – the mix contains nonfat dried milk, whey, and concentrated whey protein. If you’d like to send a “non-angry” note to the company, you can do so here, or directly at 1-800-545-9972. We don’t have these guys in Toronto as far as I know, but if the company’s trying to present themselves as all natural and healthy and all that, playing the technicality game on their ingredients lists isn’t a great way to gain credibility or to keep customers.
Maybe it’s just because I’ve already written about this, but when I saw the headline bull-derived protein could signal new hair care trend, why did I automatically think that it was a euphemism for bull semen? I swear, VP has made me into a semen spotter. I think it’s the next evolution in ingredient scanning – first you get good at spotting the animal product in the ingredient list, then you take it a level deeper by finding the semen that’s been cleverly renamed because apparently, semen doesn’t sell. So how do omnivores, who lack this basic ingredient scanning training, avoid semen showing up in their purchases? This is starting out in the cosmetics industry, but just wait: “how do you control your semen intake” is going to be the best new comeback for “where do you get your protein,” to say nothing of what it’ll do for the tired old swallowing question.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: one of the best things about being vegan is that you don’t have to even enter the debate when a really bizarre fashion trend tries to sprout up. In this case, Spike found a hairdresser who’s created a new hair product with bull semen as the chief ingredient. My favourite part is how they put your semen-coated hair in a steamer to make sure the stuff really becomes a part of you. Now, I know that the cattle industry likes to talk about how they don’t waste anything and the whole cow is used (mostly because it’s an economic necessity), but I doubt they’d publicize this one… Link.
sugarmilktea sent in an interesting article from a new vegan about the use of animal-derived enzymes in baking, and how they’re not required to be listed on the product labels (in the UK, anyway) since they break down during cooking and thus aren’t deemed to be in the final product. I imagine that there’s more insect residue in baked goods than pig pancreas, but in general I’ve got to shake my head in wonder at anyone who’s surprised that commercial bread has surprises in it – we’ve come a long way from water flour yeast sugar and salt… What’s prehaps more interesting is the number of people who seem to be trying veganism this January – I know a few personally, and I’ve seen a few more announcements online, including the author of the linked article. I don’t know how many will skip the steak come February, but veg advocacy groups should take note of this trend for next January. Link.
darrek sent in some news on the ongoing battle to put allergen warnings on wine bottles if the wines are fined with fish, egg, dairy, or any of the other common allergens. (I think we spoke of this sometime last year, but it was pretty preliminary.) Winemakers aren’t thrilled about the idea, since apparently telling people how their drinks are made could be “confusing” to consumers, although they’ve stopped short of a counter proposal of “this stuff just fell from the sky. We’re not saying it came from heaven, but it tastes pretty darned good, and why do you need to know what’s in it anyway?” If the labelling rules go ahead, it would be a convenient boon to vegans, who aren’t keen on drinking fish gut residue. In the meantime, our vegan alcohol list is growing pretty much every week, so if you’re looking to drown your sorrows, you shouldn’t have too much trouble. Link.
Well, we’ve discussed how smart kids grow up to be vegetarian, but what about the other children? Well, maybe this answers that question, maybe it doesn’t, but the principal of an Illinois high school had to send out a letter to all the parents after a student decided to, er, augment the ranch dressing at the cafeteria. There’s nothing I can say that could beat the humour found in an official note from a principal, so go check out the scan from the Smoking Gun: Link.
Kirk was one of several pornstars who sent in news that the Six Flags Great America amusement park is offering visitors passes which let them jump to the front of the lines at their rides. All the thrill seekers have to do to get a pass is eat a bug. Specifically, they have to eat a live cockroach measuring 2 to 3 inches in length, which the local health department says is probably really stupid. From my limited view of mass culture, it seems like there’s a growing trend to have contests and promotions involving degrading behaviour, and these “tests of willpower” seem to be increasingly non-vegan. I’m not terribly upset that I don’t have the “incredible opportunity” to join in the fun, but I’d prefer that animals weren’t sacrificed for such “sport.” Do non-vegans think they’re superior, or are they just more willing to debase themselves for tokens that might suggest superiority, had we all not known what they had to do to get them? That’s my question of the day. Link.
While submitting an entry for the Booze Guide (now with 100 entries!), Joshua sent word of his Animal Ingredients Guide for the iPod. No, it’s not a list of which iPod parts are vegan, it’s a downloadable list of animal ingredients that you can take with you to the store. Now hot people can come up to you and say “hey, I thought you were just trying to look cool by checking your playlist in the middle of the aisle, but I just realized what you were really doing, and now I must have you, take me, take me now.” Link.
