Via Brook, about whom I was going to say nice things until he got this song in my head:
I always mean to eat more tabbouleh, but it’s typically in a restaurant setting and there are always other things on the menu that grab my attention. Still, a lot of those options are fried or oily (someone needs to deep fry baba ganoush!) and the salad seems more likely to scrub my insides clean than the standard North American iceberg lettuce crap. Here’s a recipe if you’re feeling ambitious. I highly recommend playing this song on a loop while you’re making it. Or just, you know, if you’re at work and you want to piss off your entire office.
Oh, and you’re going to see this in the related videos anyway, so let’s just address the elephant in the room, shall we?
(Have I linked this one before? It gets hard to tell sometimes, what with all the hummous rap songs on the internet…)
Angela sent this to me, and it’s like they made a movie about my life without me knowing it. I’m not the greatest at recognizing faces, so I’m glad this guy has less hair than I do, and the woman’s blonde, because otherwise I’d have to search the kitchen for hidden cameras:
A brief warning to those of you who, like I did, watched this first thing in the morning: no, you haven’t had a stroke, they just aren’t speaking English, is all. At least I hope they’re not speaking English, because I eat a lot of manly salads exactly so I won’t have a stroke, so that would really suck if I had one anyway. Not that I regret eating my manly salads though.
By the way, I’m not kidding about the salads. OK, maybe our preparation styles vary a little (I try to capture a little more hip motion, frankly,) but my salad bowl is what most consumers call a 2 Quart Glass Batter Bowl (yes, it’s an affiliate link, because I deserve a kickback for changing your life from small salad to Big Salad ways.)
Now I need to learn that language they were speaking. I’m pretty sure they reveal some Truths in there amidst the manliness.
Details which explain our absence can be found here, but for those of you who can’t click a link, allow me to put it another way:
Posts will resume as soon as I resume, which is gonna be a little while… In the meantime, Angela found this on her iPod this morning (seriously, one handed computing takes on a whole new meaning after childbirth. Or the exact same meaning, but you’re visiting Vegan Porn, so probably a new meaning.):
The visuals are safe for work, but the audio might be best served via headphones if you’re at work…
Do I talk about the crazy stuff that goes on in the world of breakfast cereal, like the (since pulled) plan to make Froot Loops an official “Smart Choice“?
Or maybe a minor ramble is in order about whether or not the rules of veganism are different for other species. You know, like that ridiculous vegetarian vampire thing, but for chickens. As things stand, chickens are fed a whole host of things that don’t make a lot of sense (arsenic? really?) so maybe chickens are allowed to eat leprechauns, but only with a spoon. If I were to see a chicken eating a leprechaun with a spoon, I honestly don’t know if I’d intervene. It’d be so far beyond letting nature take its course that I think the only correct course of action would be, well, I don’t know if there’s enough green beer in the world to solve that one.
And speaking of green beer: I don’t need to look up if it’s vegan or not. There’s a greater scale of Right and Wrong in the world that that crap has to answer to.
Anyway, have a safe and happy St. Patrick’s Day, and remember: Guinness isn’t vegan friendly, and neither are leprechauns. Probably.
I’m finally moving (my stuff) out of Mom’s basement, and once again, I can’t help but find links to veganism in a lot of it, even though 99% of the stuff in there was from my pre-vegan days. This one fills me with a tasty mix of shame and pride:
That would be, if memory serves, from about 20 years ago. To the best of my knowledge, I’d never, ever tasted tofu at that point in my life, so my work was entirely theoretical. Also, minus 5 points for an irrational obsession with insulation, though I will point out that I’d never insulated an attic at that point either.
I’m also not sure if I even showed it to anyone who’d actually eaten tofu (or insulated attics,) but among my fellow heathens of the day, we found it amusing. Now that I’m reminded of what I did, I feel compelled to stalk former co-workers on Facebook to ensure I didn’t stop them from ever trying tofu in their lives. You know, because maybe it’s more effective to undo an anti-conversion from the past than to try to win new people over to veganism now.
There were other drawings, some of which I might share someday (I can’t decide if I was a brilliant copywriter even then or if it’s really all been downhill for the last 20 years,) but they aren’t particularly vegan.
Well, maybe this one, tangentially. At least I knew what a carbohydrate was before Atkins hit it big:
On the bright side, I actually have a few modern semi-fake ads I want to make, but these newfangled digital tools keep trying to, well, OK, I don’t really know how to use them (I have no idea how I managed to make the cow and carrot logo. I might have been trying to draw a floor plan at the time.) A sheet of scrap paper and a pen might be the unblocker I’m looking for. Hell, if it wasn’t for the Google juice I’d write all my posts that way…
I’m going through a bunch of stuff from Mom’s basement this week, and it’s sparking all sorts of memories, and how messed up is it that I can turn anything into a vegan reference?
Take the Shogun Warriors for instance. They were a toy line from Mattel, and I was looking for a good image, but then I realized that it’s 2010, and that means we have access to TV commercials from the 1970’s. THEY HAVE ROCKET NIPPLES!
Further trivia is that in Quebec, which is where the memory came from, they went by the name Goldorak, and there is of course a Wikipedia page, but that’s where the veganization kicks in: someone in the 70’s had it in for us. Check it:
“The Vegans establish a base on the dark side of the moon and start to attack Earth from there.”
“After a fierce battle, they finally manage to destroy the Vegan mothership along with King Vega himself.”
Oh, sorry: forgot to say spoiler alert.
The planet/people confusion was actually one of the first things I ever wrote about on VP, back in May of 2001. Of course, the links are long dead (AltaVista keeps refusing to die, though) so it’s time for a refresher: this site contains no space alien pornography.
These have been in my bookmarks forever. Now they are in your brain:
Do you like avocados? Do you like watching fan-submitted videos about avocados? Were you one of the people who made a video about avocados? YouTube is proof that the internet will never be full.
Behold the “Are you an Avodisiac?” Video contest! Which is over, so I’m sorry you can’t enter (but it probably won’t stop you from trying, because it is a disease,) but the bright side is that you can watch the entries. Some of which took a lot of work, but there was cash money on the line, and hey, if you’re going to make a video about something, why not make it a confessional about your forbidden love, or maybe just a weird adventure tale?
And no, I didn’t hold onto the link until the contest ended just so I could have a better chance at winning. No, I didn’t even enter. The world isn’t ready for my genius yet, but someday Mr. Scorsese is going to respond to at least one of the daily letters I send him, sealed with avocado guts… Wait, what?
In other avocado news, you can subscribe to an avocado of the month club. I think it works out to ten dollars a pound, which seems like a lot, but I like how there are so many different “of the month” clubs. When I was a child you were lucky to find a TV Guide of the month club. They called them subscriptions then. I don’t know what the phone bill of the month club is called these days. It tastes terrible.
Going further, yes further, I’m going to mention Monty’s Avocado before Colleen does.
Now find me more avocado links. My bookmark bar looks so empty…
Dave Noisy sent in the latest from The Onion: Dog Breeders Issue Massive Recall Of ‘07 Pugs, citing quality control concerns. Of course, we all know that The Onion’s front page is satirical and not at all indicative of future trends, right? I mean, it’s not like any of their crazy stories actually come true, right?
Totally stolen from Alyce’s recent TVP submission (nyah nyah, daily schedule beats weekly schedule, or hey, I’ll scoop myself if that’s what it takes), there’s an election going down somewhere in Virginia where voters will get to choose between the incumbent (who has run unopposed for the past 12 years) and a ham sandwich. Mr Sandwich isn’t actually on the ballot – the campaign is a write-in thingerwhatzit – so this candidate could in theory run anywhere that write-ins are allowed, but this gives little comfort to vegan voters (though having “Dillon Pikkel” as a campaign manager is pretty cool). If you’re looking for a vegan-er approach to democracy, a similar campaign ran in 2000 involving a politicized army of ficus plants. I imagine we’ll have some goofy discussions on the matter this Saturday, so if you’d like to contribute to the conversation, the comments would be a good place to do it.
(yes, it’s an affiliate link, because I deserve a kickback for changing your life from small salad to Big Salad ways.)
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