Amanda sent this one in with the disclaimer that she’s “not sure how it can be tied to veganism.”  Are you kidding me?  Check this magic out:

I don’t know if it’s vegan to use the phrase “infinite monkeys” but according to that theory, if you had a whole bunch of monkeys and typewriters, this very blog post would appear amidst the output.  I don’t know how that theory foretold a post about blowing a turkey call, but that’s why some people get the big bucks.

Anyway, there are, according to my careful research, a nigh-infinite number of reasons why people go vegan.  For someone out there, this is it.  In fact, if you’re not currently vegan, and you just stumbled across this site while, uh, researching important topics that affect humanity, I urge you to not only become vegan, but make it so this video is the reason.  Your parents will be so pleased!

Amanda sent me a link to Epic Meal Time a while back, and I couldn’t find a use for it right away – I mean, it’s basically the culinary equivalent of dudes shooting fireworks out of their butts, but by itself it was just another example of, well, dudes shooting fireworks out of their butts, but with food, like I just said.  Pay attention, will you?

Colleen was the one who filled in the missing piece to the puzzle: I need to link to Epic Meal Time to provide context for the vegan version, which makes a lot more sense once you know what it’s trying to do:

I kinda want to cover things in seaweed now. Maybe not whole chunks of ginger, but, you know, the couch, maybe.

That video was a little over the top, but the principles were sound, and if you want to make a tofu turkey for the holidays Angela shot a video about our family’s traditional roast that you might find handy.

And with that, we’re closing the doors on 2010 unless something really crazy happens. It’s been a long and interesting year, and I’m glad to be blogging again, but it’s time for a quick break and I’ll see you in January. Thanks for all the great feedback, comments, and story suggestions, and happy whatever it is that you celebrate around these times!

Curved yellow fruit and boneless bananas not enough for you?  Check these babies out:

That’s right, these bananas are valuable.  And blurry.  But mostly, valuable.

And this isn’t just a weird sign printing thing either, because everything else in the store was just special:

The bananas were “marked,” so maybe they’re marked…for death!  And if you buy them you get cursed too or something.  I don’t know, but there were other bananas on sale for more money, but they weren’t valuable:

Frankly, I’d pay more for the other bananas, if only because it’d mean I wouldn’t have to go near thick soup of pig chop.

In other news, I went outside!  And yet, guess where my mind went.  Yep, right to the vegan gutter.  But still, the internet is only 35% full of bananas, so we’ve all got to do our part. Enjoy the weekend!

Via Colleen, and not to be confused with curved yellow fruit:

I was going to make some kind of joke about bananas finally being vegan now that there’s a boneless variety, but that got less and less funny the more I realized that there are probably some people out there who think chicken’s vegetarian if you take the bones out, and they’re probably the people who shop in a store purporting to be run by a cartoon pig. Seriously, how safe can you feel shopping for food from someone who openly displays (and sells!) what must be the ground up flesh of his enemies in the butcher department?

I’m more about the smoothies these days anyway, and my Vita-Mix can pulverize conventional bananas so I don’t really need to track these beauties down, but I encourage you to ask your local produce manager if they’re getting a boneless banana shipment in. Tell them you saw it on The Internet.

Also, don’t think I didn’t notice the pricing: “69 dudes!“

Via Brook, about whom I was going to say nice things until he got this song in my head:

I always mean to eat more tabbouleh, but it’s typically in a restaurant setting and there are always other things on the menu that grab my attention. Still, a lot of those options are fried or oily (someone needs to deep fry baba ganoush!) and the salad seems more likely to scrub my insides clean than the standard North American iceberg lettuce crap. Here’s a recipe if you’re feeling ambitious. I highly recommend playing this song on a loop while you’re making it. Or just, you know, if you’re at work and you want to piss off your entire office.

Oh, and you’re going to see this in the related videos anyway, so let’s just address the elephant in the room, shall we?

(Have I linked this one before? It gets hard to tell sometimes, what with all the hummous rap songs on the internet…)

Angela sent this to me, and it’s like they made a movie about my life without me knowing it.  I’m not the greatest at recognizing faces, so I’m glad this guy has less hair than I do, and the woman’s blonde, because otherwise I’d have to search the kitchen for hidden cameras:

(Originally found at College Humor)

A brief warning to those of you who, like I did, watched this first thing in the morning: no, you haven’t had a stroke, they just aren’t speaking English, is all. At least I hope they’re not speaking English, because I eat a lot of manly salads exactly so I won’t have a stroke, so that would really suck if I had one anyway. Not that I regret eating my manly salads though.

By the way, I’m not kidding about the salads. OK, maybe our preparation styles vary a little (I try to capture a little more hip motion, frankly,) but my salad bowl is what most consumers call a 2 Quart Glass Batter Bowl (yes, it’s an affiliate link, because I deserve a kickback for changing your life from small salad to Big Salad ways.)

Now I need to learn that language they were speaking. I’m pretty sure they reveal some Truths in there amidst the manliness.

Details which explain our absence can be found here, but for those of you who can’t click a link, allow me to put it another way:

Posts will resume as soon as I resume, which is gonna be a little while…  In the meantime, Angela found this on her iPod this morning (seriously, one handed computing takes on a whole new meaning after childbirth.  Or the exact same meaning, but you’re visiting Vegan Porn, so probably a new meaning.):

The visuals are safe for work, but the audio might be best served via headphones if you’re at work…

As the old joke goes, some people just really have it in for plants:

This was the most topical pic I could find that didn’t involve cats and poor grammar:

(via Savage Chickens)

Oh, where to go from here…

Do I talk about the crazy stuff that goes on in the world of breakfast cereal, like the (since pulled) plan to make Froot Loops an official “Smart Choice“?

Or maybe a minor ramble is in order about whether or not the rules of veganism are different for other species.  You know, like that ridiculous vegetarian vampire thing, but for chickens.  As things stand, chickens are fed a whole host of things that don’t make a lot of sense (arsenic? really?) so maybe chickens are allowed to eat leprechauns, but only with a spoon.  If I were to see a chicken eating a leprechaun with a spoon, I honestly don’t know if I’d intervene.  It’d be so far beyond letting nature take its course that I think the only correct course of action would be, well, I don’t know if there’s enough green beer in the world to solve that one.

And speaking of green beer: I don’t need to look up if it’s vegan or not.  There’s a greater scale of Right and Wrong in the world that that crap has to answer to.

Anyway, have a safe and happy St. Patrick’s Day, and remember: Guinness isn’t vegan friendly, and neither are leprechauns.  Probably.

I’m finally moving (my stuff) out of Mom’s basement, and once again, I can’t help but find links to veganism in a lot of it, even though 99% of the stuff in there was from my pre-vegan days. This one fills me with a tasty mix of shame and pride:

That would be, if memory serves, from about 20 years ago. To the best of my knowledge, I’d never, ever tasted tofu at that point in my life, so my work was entirely theoretical. Also, minus 5 points for an irrational obsession with insulation, though I will point out that I’d never insulated an attic at that point either.

I’m also not sure if I even showed it to anyone who’d actually eaten tofu (or insulated attics,) but among my fellow heathens of the day, we found it amusing. Now that I’m reminded of what I did, I feel compelled to stalk former co-workers on Facebook to ensure I didn’t stop them from ever trying tofu in their lives. You know, because maybe it’s more effective to undo an anti-conversion from the past than to try to win new people over to veganism now.

There were other drawings, some of which I might share someday (I can’t decide if I was a brilliant copywriter even then or if it’s really all been downhill for the last 20 years,) but they aren’t particularly vegan.

Well, maybe this one, tangentially. At least I knew what a carbohydrate was before Atkins hit it big:

On the bright side, I actually have a few modern semi-fake ads I want to make, but these newfangled digital tools keep trying to, well, OK, I don’t really know how to use them (I have no idea how I managed to make the cow and carrot logo. I might have been trying to draw a floor plan at the time.) A sheet of scrap paper and a pen might be the unblocker I’m looking for. Hell, if it wasn’t for the Google juice I’d write all my posts that way…