We posted some video of hot turtle on turtle action back in January, but sadly, the media’s been pulled due to a “terms of use violation” of some sort, and you know, I’d like to talk to the lawyer who had to figure that one out, because it’d be a heck of a clause to put into legalese, I reckon.
Never fear, however, because sometimes-porncast co-host PonderingWillow found us a new one from The Huffington Post:
There, that’s better, isn’t it? At only 16 seconds, well, that’s a long time to some people, so I won’t complain. This is one of those videos where sound is needed to get the full effect, because the noises are the whole point of the humour, but I’ll leave it to you to decide whether or not to blast it over the cubicle walls – people are either going to recognize the sounds or not, and you’re going to either make new friends… or not. Totally up to you, for this is the power you hold.
I yearn for the day where we can slap a lightweight video screen (with speakers) on a stick the way that people use bristol board for protest signs today, and then we could blast this clip on a loop in front of any restaurant that thinks it’s remotely acceptable to cut a turtle out of its shell while still alive and make soup. I can’t claim to know for sure why turtles were put on this earth, but “for violent soup” places way, way, way behind “for sharing sex videos” in my list of possibilities.
This post’s soundtrack: The Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch” because I’m feeling nostalgically goofy – it’s the one with the “we’re nothing but mammals / let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel” chorus and it may have been an inspiration back when I was building the original VP back in 2001. (99 cents gets you the MP3, from which I think I get four shiny pennies as a commission)
Usually I post the “hey, look, world, we’re getting more and more vegan all the time!” posts over on Staying Vegan, and keep things like posts about goat testicles here on VP, because never the twain shall meet and all that.
THE TWAIN HAVE MET.
I’ve just found out about Charlatan: America’s Most Dangerous Huckster, the Man Who Pursued Him, and the Age of Flimflam, and yes, that’s an affiliate link, which means that if you buy this book through that link then I, just like author Pope Brock, get to tell my mom’s friends that I earn my living by writing about goat testicles (don’t ask me how Pope Brock knows my mom’s friends. It’s complicated.) There’s also a Washington Post review on that page that pretty much tells the whole story of the book if you want to save 10 bucks and 324 pages of reading.
ANYWAY. The goat testicles. Can I tell you about them?
It seems that back in 1917, you could get a medical license AND inject goat testicles into people to cure impotence. That’s the career path that John R. Brinkley took, or at least part of it, which eventually led to a 36 room clinic that apparently was devoted to injecting goat testicles. He called his clinic the Brinkley Institute of Health, which probably won the focus group over from other ideas like “Brinkley Goat Nads Distribution Facility,” though in either case, if it were around today it’d be the perfect building to threaten your kids with a visit to if they don’t eat their green beans. No I don’t know why you’d threaten your kids with goat testicle injections, but if I was 8 years old I’d eat a lot of green beans under such conditions. Now, probably moreso, so in fact I reckon it’s the kind of place kids can threaten their parents with a visit to, but that’s just because you screwed up the “how babies are made” talk.
Today, we have little blue pills. Sure, they may contain animal ingredients, and are probably tested on animals (and not in a fun way that makes for easy jokes,) but a step away from using actual goat testicles and towards powders and formulas that can be cooked up in a lab is a step towards veganism.
And I’d be remiss if I didn’t talk briefly about vegans getting it on like crazy, which Science has attributed to two main reasons: a reduced fat diet with antioxidants and other things I barely understand can lead to better blood flow, including blood flow DOWN THERE, and also there are way more vegan women than there are men, so for straight male vegans, anyway, there’s clear evidence that goat testicles or the modern equivalent are much less necessary. Or so I’m told.
But back to the book: as I mentioned earlier, it would please me immensely to tell people that I am a goat testicle profiteer, because I have strange views on outreach, so please consider buying this book through this link. We’re not talking F.U. money here – if 10 of you buy it, I think I get four bucks, but I’ll turn that into a slice of vegan pizza, thus furthering the swords into plowshares metaphor, only it’ll be goat testicles into vegan pizza.
* No, science has not replaced goat testicles on the goats themselves, at least not directly – there are replacement balls available but to my knowledge they’re more used for companion animals like dogs and cats. VP apologizes for the somewhat misleading headline.
Whoa, I almost missed S4 (Species Sex Studies Saturday) again! I honestly forget what day it is sometimes, because when you’re a full time vegan pornographer, you get to study how animals do it every day. Anyway, S4 is our semi-recurring feature where we investigate the sex lives of animals, on the theory that if people knew more about how different creatures get it on, they’d be less likely to categorize them as food.
At least, that’s what it says on my research grant. Mostly it’s just an excuse to indulge our inner 8 year olds.
Anyway, dolphins are praised as being highly intelligent, but it’s dangerous to anthropomorphize any non-human, so let me just say this: at least one dolphin has a thing for Jennifer Garner:
Most societies don’t consume dolphin meat, but sadly, as the oceans get emptier and emptier of what some consider food, fishing techniques will likely resort to bigger and bigger nets such as the purse seine, drift, and gill nets that pick up anything and everything in their path, including dolphins. We live in a world where industry has come up with “dolphin safe” labels for canned fish so consumers can know that no dolphins were killed to supply them with, well, dead fish, and somehow this makes it through the conscious consumer’s filters as an ethical thing.
At the rate things are going, in the future there will only be dolphins in tanks, which means only dolphins in tanks will be able to spray manifestations of their love across Jennifer Garner’s feet, and this is the basis for Reason to Go Vegan #812: in the ideal world we strive for, Jennifer Garner foot worship is the reasons oceans exist. If you can’t figure out what that means, don’t worry, there are at least 811 other reasons to go vegan, and that’s just from upcoming S4 posts. We haven’t even begun to track things like animal poop habits.
(via Ecorazzi, via Angela. That’s right, not every post is about creme eggs!)
OMGWFTBBQLOL, I forgot to do an episode of S4 last week. How can you have a feature called Species Sex Study Saturday that misses Saturdays? Historians will ponder that one for a good long while. Anyway, this is the day that we talk about animals doing it, or aspects thereof, because sometimes you just can’t make the right food choices without knowing if what’s on your plate has been denied carnal pleasures so that you might dine.
This week’s episode comes from Dagda, and the title alone makes it worthy: Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm.* This is from the National Geographic people, and if you had the same stack of back issues in your grade six classroom as I did, you know they can appreciate tits.
Of course, these tits are the bird tits, as in the things with wings. There is a link, it has been established, between the colour of a male tit’s breast plumage and the strength of his sperm, effectively advertising his virility in a way that absolutely does not translate to the human world, and I’ll thank you to stop looking at the size of my feet.
However, the article couldn’t resist making at least one link between birds and humans that’s VP-worthy: “free radicals are thought to be a major cause of infertility in people.” I don’t know how you can see a free radical, so I’m not sure where the parallel lies to support the statement’s existence in the article, but I do know that a plant-based diet is rich in antioxidants, which s like kryptonite to free radicals, so I strongly suspect that the National Geographic writer is a wannabe vegan pornographer, at heart.
* It’s worth noting that the page title can’t bear to sustain the joke and mentions birds, but this is balanced out by the URL, which just contains the words “great,” “tits,” “color,” and “sperm,” which sums up many a word association exercise.
Investors take note: the world seems a bit depressed today, and the free market will inevitably respond with the cure, which in this case seems to be a prototype sex doll for dogs. Well, for male dogs, anyway. I don’t know precisely why this potential technology will cheer the world, but if some lonely dogs are able to get some, things can’t be that bad, right?
Of all the great submissions in the queue, I’m going for the one about sex and food first, because, after all, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. kunsjoi sent in the latest list of top aphrodisiacs. Expecting strawberries with whipped cream? Chocolate? (ugh) Oysters? Think again: the list includes Cloves, Ginger, Garlic, Tomatoes, Coriander, Onion, Horseradish, Carrots, Bananas, Grapes and Saffron. Enjoy your smoothies… Intimately. Link.
Dagda Samildanc sent word of a daring dolphin rescue operation that turned out to be unnecessary. As police sergeant David Brown later explained, “what looked like dolphin distress turned out to be a mating procedure.” I can understand why people get confused at the sight of things like a dolphin threesome – we’re so busy screwing around with the planet that we tend to forget that Earth’s other residents like to screw around a little amongst themselves. Link.
I believe we’ve written about this before, but I don’t think we had a link to the actual store with pictures. Dagda Samildanc found a store that makes dildos based on animal models. You have to click around a bit to see each one, but I assure you, they’re the kind of images that make you think, “wow, I really went out of my way to see that!” Yes, I’m thinking about the “Thor” model in the horse section. I can’t stop thinking about it. To be clear, this is the kind of link that may require vast amounts of cleansing via vitamin gin. Possibly NSFW, unless of course you work in a dildo store or a government tax office. Link.
I wish we could post more stories with a higher emphasis on the second half of “Vegan Porn,” but it looks like we have to wait for special occasions, like Dagda Samildanc day for inspiration. And inspired is what we are, after reading all about the sex lives of plants: “‘Of course they have sex,’ [the botanist] said. ‘It’s just that, unlike humans, they can’t really go looking for it.’” Link.
Dagda Samildanc took a break from the crime beat to send in some news from the, uh, sex beat. Those of you with inferiority complexes may want to grab a tissue, with which to wipe away your tears as you learn things like the sexual power of the lion (up to 86 times a day), or the orgasm rate of the hamster (50 times in an hour). I’m bookmarking this article for the next time I read a comic book that features someone who was bitten by a radioactive animal and gained their powers. The geekiness of the letter I write will be unsurpassed. Link
, and yes, that’s an affiliate link, which means that if you buy this book through that link then I, just like author Pope Brock, get to tell my mom’s friends that I earn my living by writing about goat testicles (don’t ask me how Pope Brock knows my mom’s friends. It’s complicated.) There’s also a Washington Post review on that page that pretty much tells the whole story of the book if you want to save 10 bucks and 324 pages of reading.
