by Jason on August 25, 2006
If every email I get about Snakes on a Plane start with “you’ve probably seen this a hundred times already,” does that say something about the movie or about perceptions of me? Anyway, Rosemary sends word that a genius (or some genii) smuggled live rattlesnakes into a screening of the Samuel L. Jackson thriller that I haven’t seen but hear is up for 7 Academy Awards that they invented just for this movie. The snakes carried enough venom to do serious harm, but miraculously, nobody was injured and even more miraculously, the snakes were captured and released safely into the desert. Link.
by Jason on August 25, 2006
Once upon a time, we used to have something called the Skank of the week award, partly because there were so many deserving candidates, and also because around that time a court ruled that you couldn’t get sued for calling someone a skank, and we are a practical people. The award’s been semi-retired, but we bring it out every once in awhile for parties and submissions like the latest from Zelda regarding the brilliance of Cherie Phipps. Ms. Phipps was convicted last year after her dog died from heat stroke in her car. Due to a faultless justice system, Phipps learned her lesson and moved on. To cat ownership. She was recently convicted on similar charges involving the cat (thankfully, Tia was rescued before she died from the heat). Now, as prestigious as it would be to win a skank of the week award and its associated sponsorship deals, Phipps is going to have to share this one with the judge, who banned her from animal ownership for a whole 90 days. Yes, that takes her past the summer, but it doesn’t do much for next summer’s prospects. Maybe if we banned her from owning a car? Link.
by Jason on June 15, 2006
kunsjoi sent in a story of a family that had enough money for the wife and son to plot to kill the husband, but apparently they couldn’t afford a television. If they had a TV, they would have inevitably seen an episode of CSI, which is on 748 times a day, and then they’d learn that shooting a man in the head several times, bludgeoning him with a metal pipe to hide the wounds and then smearing blood on their horse’s hooves was a really stupid idea, as was immediately trying to send the (by now very confused) horse to the slaughterhouse. See, that’s the part that gets you, Patricia Olsen, and you, Christopher Robertson, inextricably linked to porn in the eyes of Google. I don’t know if that’ll bother you very much while you serve out your life sentences, but it makes me feel better. Oh, the horse is fine, by the way, and is living at a horse rescue farm. Link.
by Jason on June 15, 2006
Here’s a great example of why vegans are different, courtesy of Dagda Samildanc: we value our vegan doughnuts very very highly. Maybe it’s just because of their scarcity, maybe it’s because we really appreciate the fact that someone went through the trouble of making them, and maybe those two reasons are the same thing, but I know this: we’d be incredibly hesitant to throw doughnuts at anyone, even a police officer. Now, it doesn’t say if the five teenagers arrested last weekend for such an assault were vegan, but it’s one of those things you kinda just know in your heart, innit? Link.
by Jason on June 12, 2006
Sausages can kill, and if you don’t believe me, check out this story by Dagda Samildanc. Of course, a sausage isn’t sentient like the animals were before they were ground up and stuffed into a tube, but it can be “administered,” as one apparently was recently to a German woman who choked to death. A man is in custody on suspicion of murder. Link.
Dagda Samildanc found more evidence that dairy products are part of an increasing cycle of violence: Curt Broome of Florida was left with serious injuries after Dan Stewart allegedly slashed him repeatedly in the throat with a box cutter. What does that have to do with dairy, you ask? Ah, for that you need the perspective of history – see, this isn’t the first time these two have fought. In 2005, Broome threw a carton of yogurt at Stewart in a separate road rage incident. Amazingly, both men have criminal histories, but I’ll be kind and won’t use that to link everyone in the dairy industry to violent crime. I’ll stick to just the yogurt people for now. Link.
From AimeeLeigh79: pick a side. On the one hand, we’ve got a woman who beat someone over the head with a dead puppy while demanding a fresh puppy. On the other hand, the “victim” was a dog breeder who sold a four week old puppy who, according to a veterinarian, needed to be returned to his mother, but then died and became a weapon. As much as I dislike the concept, I think I’m going to have to side with the dog breeder on this one – some people shouldn’t have animals in their lives. Link.
Are you on the verge of going vegan, but your career as a cattle rustler is holding you back? Dagda Samildanc reports, it’s time to upgrade anyway – all the cool kids are rustling bananas these days. Spurred on by a cyclone which devastated Australia’s banana crop, combined with my rediscovery of smoothies for breakfast, thieves have hit a number of Australian farms in New South Wales. OK, not only is this great news for thieves who want to embrace a more compassionate lifestyle, I think there’s an opening here for a Crocodile Dundee for the next generation. No, I have no idea what I’m talking about, but that’s show biz for you. Our production house is waiting for your script outlines. Link.
Dave Noisy reports that a man who stuffed a dead mouse into a burrito at his local Taco Bell in an attempt to extort money from the company has been sentenced to 16 to 30 months in prison. Ryan Goff, 20, claimed that his burrito tasted funny, but according to his girlfriend he bought the mouse from a pet store (it was already dead and frozen). This sentence is small compared to the nine years that Anna Ayala got for sneaking a human finger into a bowl of Wendy’s Chili. I’d play along too, but the best I could come up with would be some corn in the hummous, and I don’t think anyone would pay me for that even if I didn’t cause it to happen. Link (scroll down).
Stitches sent news of a man who was caught at the border with some extra sausage in his diapers, if you know what I mean. You know, he had some foil around his meat, nudge nudge, wink wink. A little souvenir from his trip to Mexico, say no more, say no more. He, uh, well, he got caught by the border patrol hiding raw sausage meat in some diapers in his car. Link.
